The World Is an Easier Place Without You In It

September 17, 2023, 11:22 P.M.
From: Ymei
Subject: ….swiss self-end-of-life…
To: Karen Shepard

how much advance notice does one need for a date.. ?
are there any particular requirements….?
what is the cost….?

can you find out…?

*

September 18, 2023, 8:26 A.M.
From: Karen Shepard
Subject: Re: ….swiss self-end-of-life…
To: mom

Hi Mom,

The name of the organization is Pegasos. VAD stands for Voluntary Assisted Death, and they’re in Basel, Switzerland.

The way it works is that you fill out an online application and submit the required documentation. Approval can happen in a few weeks, but it can take a couple of months, or longer, if they’re busy.

The required documentation: a passport, proof of residence (like a utility bill, etc.), a birth certificate (reissued within the last six months), medical records, and I think you may need dad’s death certificate, but I’ll check about that.

I asked them what to do if there were no birth certificates issued at your place/time of birth, and they said just use an affidavit that says that you’ve tried to get a birth certificate and can’t.

The cost is estimated around 10,000 Swiss francs (about 11,000 US dollars) which includes everything except airfare and hotel costs.

I sent them an email asking about your ashes being buried in Lausanne. I also wrote to Bois-de-Vaux cemetery in Lausanne to ask the same question. Will let you know what I hear back.

Whatever you decide you want, I am here to help you.

All love,
Karen

*

September 18, 2023, 11:39 A.M.
From: Ymei
Subject: ….swiss self-end-of-life…
To: Karen Shepard

forget it – it costs too much to do..

must be an easier and cheaper way…!!

i forget whose wife but after he died
she got the right selection of pills and died….

*

September 18, 2023, 11:43 A.M.
From: Karen Shepard
Subject: Re: ….swiss self-end-of-life…
To: mom

I’m sure there’s more inexpensive ways, and no doubt ways that involve less paperwork—though as I said, I’m willing to do that part of things for you. I imagine what you sacrifice is control and certainty. And, of course, anyone who helps you in this country will be exposed to prosecution for doing so.

*

September 18, 2023, 12:35 P.M.
From: Ymei
Subject: ….swiss self-end-of-life…
To: Karen Shepard

the right combination of pills will do the job…
that’s what ? wife did after he died….

*

September 18, 2023, 12:56 P.M.
From: Karen Shepard
Subject: Re: ….swiss self-end-of-life…
To: mom

It could, for sure. But it’s not a sure thing; it could also, as in the case of some people we know, not do the job, leaving them in pain, out of control, dependent, and worse off than they had been. And that’s if you can figure out how to get the amounts of the medications you would need.

*
February 14, 2024, 10:05 A.M.
Voicemail
Tang Yungmei to Karen Shepard

Karen, can we go to this place as soon as possible? I’m dying here. I want to get out of this place as quickly as possible. Can we get out of here? My leg is worse, and my stroke effect is worse. Everything is worse. My leg really hurts. Get me out of here, okay?

***

September 13, 2009, 12:38 P.M.
From: Karen Shepard
Subject:
To: mom

Hey,

Emmett is doing a history essay on your baby shoes as a personal/historical artifact of his. Can you write us any information you have about the shoes? Were they the ones you were wearing when you left your birth family to go live with Grandma? Do you know who made them? Are they the only object you have from your life with your birth family? Did Grandma save them for you, or did someone else? When did she give them to you? Did you take them everywhere with you? To NY when you moved there?

Anything you remember about them and their history would be great and helpful. Thanks!

Also, you were adopted in 1942, right? And then where did you guys move first and when? And then where and when? (He needs specific dates). When did Tang die? How did he die?

Thanks for your help!

Hope your trip is going well.

Love,
K

*

September 14, 2009, 2:09 P.M.
From: Ymei
Subject: Re:
To: Karen Shepard

hi there… got here in one piece…spent first couple of weeks sorting things out; now need to find more bookshelves, as well as several minor detail accessories…
as to your question re those baby shoes…really don’t remember when I first got them; probably in malaya, and then kept them with me ever since….

as to other facts, i suggest that you read chapter ten of your grandmother’s book ‘birdless summer’…thereon you will find dates and facts – we flew from china to india, then took a boat around south africa, up thru the caribbean, to nyc, and across the atlantic to england….. i had to read the book to know that i was in jamaica when i was two!…..so much for now…perhaps more later….hugs to all…

*

September 15, 2009, 5:14 A.M.
From: Ymei
Subject: Re:
To: Karen Shepard

cont’d…
i was bought from a woman who already had 3 girls; she gave birth to a 4th in the hospital where eliz worked as midwife, and wanted to keep the newborn, so she sold a middle one – me…./eliz was unable to conceive……
interestingly, teresa in tucson tells me that eliz told her that she bought me from a woman in the street!!!…
as you well know, writers make up their own stories….

age 2 left for england; age 8 left for hongkong/by seaplane/; started in a chinese boarding school, then a catholic day school…age 12 left for malaya after eliz’s second marriage….by ship, before my 12th b’day, so i was half fare!….after the 1950 ‘many splendored’ love affair with australian ‘london times’ corres – ian morrison; ian was married, wife in s’pore, wouldn’t give him a divorce…then ian was sent to cover korean war, and was killed at the start, in 1950….
as to tang, he died in 47, in north east china/manchuria….eliz claims she is not sure exactly how – since he was kmt, perhaps by communists….or maybe he killed himself…..
a xi’an student of mine wrote his final college paper about my origins – look it up online…..he figured the conception time, and concluded that if i was born in feb 1940, nine mths before, eliz and tang were in separate cities – so, his guess is that i might have been tang’s child with another woman…./i prefer to believe this one, it’s more romantic than her versions/…but, that doesn’t explain, if eliz knew, why she would have accepted me, unless tang concocted some story — those shoes probably were mine when adopted, or made for me soon afterwards….don’t recall when they came into my possession – might as well believe that i had them with me all the time, everywhere…..
emmett can create his own version of the story, just knowing a few of the facts….
the readers, or listeners wouldn’t know any better; as long as it sounds highly plausible!!!…i suggest: i was wearing the shoes when eliz got me, and kept them forever with me as i got older — my one and only memento tie to some birth parent.

addendum – which I probably have told you in the past sometime —

eliz never told me of the adoption – i found out surreptitiously one xmas holiday when in brussels visiting her old belgian friend and family from her days as a student in belgium – helping with decorating a wall with chinese characters, he passes by and asks, ‘do you ever hear from your mother?’…i instinctively knew that he was not referring to eliz – answered, ‘no’….’is she still in sichuan?’….’don’t know’…..and that was the end of that…..stayed a few more days – and with delayed reaction, back in london, broke down, saw a psychologist; asked my nanny and another british friend of eliz’s whether they knew that i had been adopted, ‘oh yes,’ both answered, ‘but we were told never to tell you.’…..for years, as you might remember, this haunted me – why on earth tell someone else not to tell me, if she didn’t want me to know…..broke my trust….
family secrets are pervasive –
tell emmett that i think it is wonderful that he has chosen to write about those little black shoes….

***

February 9, 2024, 10:00 A.M.
From: Pegasos Association
Subject: Re: Birth Certificate
To: Karen Shepard

Dear Karen,

I’ve just finished updating our banking records and can confirm that your mother’s deposit payment has been received, many thanks.

Her application has been collated and sent for approval. The approval process is currently taking around 6-8 weeks.

I have noted that the preferred timeframe for the VAD is ASAP. (This will help speed up the approval process.)

Kind regards,
[REDACTED]

***

December 5, 1965
Typed Letter
Tang Yungmei to her mother, Han Suyin

We have a little girl. A long legged girl. And such a beauty. Sidney and I are overwhelmed.

***

February 4, 1973
Handwritten Note
Karen Shepard to Tang Yungmei

To Mommy
What is your Best feeling? maybe it is pushing your toes through sand or maybe it is rolling around in mud or maybe it is cleaning up your room. But whatever it is my Best feeling is sitting very close to my mother. By Karen.

***

October 25, 2004, 1:01 P.M.
From: Ymei
Subject: Re: Re:
To: Karen Shepard

hi there….suspected that my telling you about spending the day helping with [Camilla’s granddaughter] would obviously make you feel that way re: lucy…often wish you were closer, and in the city more often…but i guess with 3 children, and your teaching work it makes it much more difficult logistically…camilla, of course, spends her life around her children and little ones ….if the boys could stay with jim and/or sitters, you could think of coming in only with lucy….before she starts some sort of day care or nursery school… no matter, there always comes a time when it is the right time to do what one wishes….
take good care of yourself…much love,….

*

October 25, 2004, 9:03 P.M.
From: Karen Shepard
Subject: Re: Re:
To: Ymei

Dear Mom,

I’m glad to hear that you often wish I were closer, that’s a good thing to hear from you. But I wasn’t talking about only Lucy and me. I was talking about all my children—my whole family. I was talking about the pleasure it clearly brings you to hang out with other people and their families—the effort you make to do so—as opposed to how you seem to feel about me and my family.

I really do wish that you wanted to be more of a part of the life I have made with Jim and the children. You’ve said in the past that the happiness of my life sometimes makes you sad, is hard for you to be around, because you never had that in your childhood. As I’ve said to you before, and I imagine I will always say to you: you can have that happiness now, with me, with my family. There is a place for you in this life that Jim, the children, and I have made. Emails like yours about [Camilla’s granddaughter] sadden me because they highlight the ways in which you’ve chosen not to take that place. It’s not just a logistical problem. You have as much time as Camilla has to spend with her grandchildren.

What you have seemed consistently interested in is focusing your attention on me, or Emmett and me, or Lucy and me. I can’t divide things that way; I think of my family as a whole. I want you to be part of the whole, not something that works to divide it. I’ve never wanted to exclude you from it. I am who I am because of you. I’ve always hoped that you’d find my family a warm and nurturing and desirable place to be. I’ve always hoped my happiness would bring you happiness.

Love,
Karen

*

October 26, 2004, 12:55 A.M.
From: Ymei
Subject: Re: Re:
To: Karen Shepard

Just a quick brief reply…i am happy that you are happy…however, i don’t wish you to want me to be part of your happy family…perhaps that day might come in the future…as for me, i am not a camilla type…you are totally self-reliant with your family…. i have not gone out of my way to be with [Camilla’s granddaughter] this week. — it was camilla who asked me if i could stay over in brooklyn… and having seen camilla with her i do feel that she needs help with the child while [Camilla’s son] is at work; in and around the other arrangements that they have with neighbor friends, day care, etc….moreover, right now i am not involved in any special project in nyc, so i do have the time…
it is a trek for me to get to williamstown, and i am not involved in the academic world in which you are — besides which you have a well established child support network up there, with jim’s parents, student help, etc…in any case, i do believe that it is up to adult children to reach out to parents, and not parents to make the first move….
if this is hard for you to understand, at least you know that this is me/the way i am…granted, according to some chinese students i may not be a ‘conventional/qualified’ grandparent… but i have always been more unconventional than conventional, according to others….
i am so used to nyc that it would be hard for me to sit in williamstown with only ‘family’ to draw my attention… was not brought up that way, and have never lived that way… i think it is the idea of my role that interests you and not really the me that i am….or perhaps it is the ‘mother’ me that you quite often told me abandoned you that you wish to recapture…why can’t you simply accept my interest in another child without feeling that you and yours have been displaced….personality, intellect, and inherent natural chemistry appeal to me more than mere family blood relationships….look at my relationship with eliz, and you can see where it started…
perhaps this will help you understand better where i stand….??

***

March 19, 2024, 12:24 P.M.
From: Karen Shepard
Subject: Re:
To: Pegasos Association

I’m just checking in for an update about mom’s application.

Anything you can tell me will be useful for her.

Thanks,
Karen

***

October 25, 2007, 9:52 A.M.
From: Ymei
Subject: Re: back in town
To: Karen Shepard

didn’t check email yesterday…so guess missed jim’s reading – wed, right…your email was dated tues…got back late monday….

at least eliz is well taken care of with all those rotating nurses….and she has company to hold court with, in french…- not so when vincent was around…
at best, the trip to see her further convinced my earlier thinking that there is nothing i can see of any feeling in her.…losing v has probably erased all else from her memory — she claimed she didn’t remember houses built in malaya, didn’t remember running a clinic in a pharmacy — continually brushes it off with ‘how can i remember all that when i have so much more taking up my time’!!!!!. and, she says she never thinks of anyone/true, she has always only thought of herself/ not her sister in tucson, nor her cousins in china…and she says people who do think of others are entirely selfish!!!…..lost cause on all counts, as far as i am concerned, or could ever wish….too bad…but i now know for me ‘to bury her before she even dies’ — and hope that thoughts about her don’t haunt me too often – this is why i have to keep myself busy with various projects as a camouflaging pentimento — important to keep my balance and sanity….

***

October 4, 2023, 4:18 A.M.
From: Ymei
Subject: ….apology…
To: Karen Shepard

karen..

i have been wracking my brain trying to
remember what i did or what i said that upset you….
i know i never intentionally mean to upset you —
i do know that since the stroke years ago my memory
fails me….i don’t recall what has been said to me or
what i’ve said to anyone in particular ….
if you want to remind me i would appreciate knowing…
if not, please accept my apologies …

ps. nowadays, i often say things i don’t really mean…
and more often don’t remember what i’ve said…
this is why i prefer not to talk.  but prefer writing…

*

October 4, 2023, 5:08 P.M.
From: Karen Shepard
Subject: Re: ….apology…
To: mom

Hi Mom,

I really appreciate the apology, and I’m sure it’s disorienting not to be able to remember things.

I’ve been out of touch with you for the last few weeks because you told me our relationship was over. You were angry that I had learned, and then shared with you and [REDACTED], that a joint account between the two of you put both of you at risk. You had both agreed that the account should be in his name only. When I followed up with him to see if he had taken your name off the account, you wrote me these emails:

Subject: …end of relating…

why on earth are you bugging [REDACTED] about my name with his b/account….?
it was my choice and my doing….only i can do what i want with it.. your doing this without telling me has ended our relationship….!

And then you wrote this email a few hours after that one:

Subject: …not your business…

stay out of our business….

I wrote back to you this email:

But of course YOU are my business, as I am yours.

I didn’t do anything without telling you, and what I do is always, always out of care for and about you. I’m sorry you don’t see it that way.

Do you remember what you talked to me about at dinner after Grandma’s funeral? You said you wanted to break the cycle that had defined your relationship with her. I assured you that I thought we were already doing that. Part of how we were doing that is trusting that the other is always acting out of care and love. Again, I’m sorry you don’t see it that way, and I’m sorry that means we seem to be perpetuating the cycle rather than breaking it.

And you wrote back:

I AM NO LONGER YOUR BUSINESS.

And then another message:

AND YOU ARE NO LONGER MY BUSINESS…

So I respected those desires, though they hurt enormously.

All I’ve ever wanted is to be cared for by you, and I’ve wanted to be able to care for you without being punished. I’m not asking you to change, to do anything different, to be anyone other than who you are.

And all of this aside, as always, I’m here to offer you whatever I can. We can talk more the next time I come to the city. Let me know if a visit is something you’d like.

Love,
Karen

*

October 4, 2023, 5:39 P.M.
From: Ymei
Subject: ….apology…
To: Karen Shepard

thanks for writing back…
i don’t recall a lot of what you say I said/wrote..
j’s son alexandre is here for a week….why not come down…

*

October 4, 2023, 8:28 P.M.
From: Karen Shepard
Subject: Re:….apology…
To: mom

What I sent you were copies of your emails.

I wish I could visit while Alexandre is there! Sadly, because of my teaching schedule and doctor/dentist appointments, I can’t come for a few weeks. I’m having a tooth implant, and I may have to have foot surgery.

But give Alexandre my best, and I’ll let you know as soon as I can come.

Love,
Karen

***

March 25, 2024, 9:58 A.M.
From: Pegasos Association
Subject: Re: Birth Certificate
To: Karen Shepard

Dear Karen,

My name is Theodore [REDACTED], I work for Pegasos and was asked to take over your mom’s dossier, which I hope is ok with you?

I’ve just received confirmation that your mother has the green light for a VAD, which basically means we can schedule her for. Could you give me an indication of you and your mother’s current situation and timeframe?

Best regards,

Theodore [REDACTED]

*

March 25, 2024, 10:25 A.M.
From: Karen Shepard
Subject: Re: Interest
To: Pegasos Association

Hi Theodore,

Thank you for reaching out, especially with this news that my mother will be happy to hear.

Her current situation is that she is eager to come to you as soon as we can arrange travel from New York City to you. How many days should we plan to be in Basel both before the VAD and after?

Thank you,
Karen

*
April 4, 2024, 6:00 P.M.
From: Pegasos Association
Subject: Re: Birth Certificate
To: Karen Shepard

Hi Karen,

Would April 22nd work?

Best,

Theodore

***

Apr 19, 2024, 8:26 P.M.
Family Group Chat: Jim Shepard, Lucy Shepard, Emmett Shepard, Aidan Shepard

KS: Swiss Air First Class.

She just told the man next to her that she’s going to Switzerland to go to sleep forever

JS: Sleep forever: well, she has a sense of drama

LS: easily just ruined this man’s flight

KS: He is assiduously avoiding eye contact now

*

April 20, 2024, 12:05 P.M. EST / 6:05 P.M. CET
Family Group Chat: Jim Shepard, Lucy Shepard, Emmett Shepard, Aidan Shepard

KS: She asked me today, “Are you having fun?”

JS: With wonder or concern?

KS: Wonder…like: I’m having fun, are you having fun?

*

Apr 20, 2024, 5:44 P.M. EST / 11:44 P.M. CET
Family Group Chat: Jim Shepard, Lucy Shepard, Emmett Shepard, Aidan Shepard

KS: She’s talking to mitch. Highlights: Sidney and I slept together once, to have Karen, and never again.

And apparently, it is my fault dad died.

*

April 21, 2024, 1:53 P.M. EST / 7:53 P.M. CET
Family Group Chat: Jim Shepard, Lucy Shepard, Emmett Shepard, Aidan Shepard

KS: Pretty different vibe today. She’s been in bed most of the day. Annoyed that they’re coming to pick us up “so early”—9:15 tomorrow. She didn’t want to go out to dinner. She isn’t eating what I’ve brought into the room, except for some pastries. Some laughs and smiles, but mostly sleeping and grumping. None of it directed at me, at least not yet. She’s taken off all her rings, her watch, her necklaces (except for the memento one of her trip to Paris with [REDACTED]); she doesn’t want to talk to anyone, doesn’t want to play Scrabble. Wondered if she should cut her hair, that it would be “easier.” I said, we could brush and braid it, and she giggled. “The sun’s out,” she said once. Now, she’s sleeping/snoring a little.

*

April 21, 2024, 2:04 P.M. EST / 8:04 P.M. CET
Family Group Chat: Jim Shepard, Lucy Shepard, Emmett Shepard, Aidan Shepard

KS: Nurse Carlos (from Peru—plays jazz trumpet and the bagpipes) picks us up tomorrow. We go to the clinic, fill out paperwork, they set her up in the bedroom. When she’s ready, they come in and put the medication in the IV. She practiced turning the little valve today when he visited us in the hotel room. 20-30 seconds she goes to sleep, then a couple of minutes later, she’ll be gone. No pain, he assured her. Then a couple of hours of me dealing with police, medical coroner, etc. Then Carlos will take me back to the hotel.

*

April 21, 2024, 9:08 P.M. EST / Apr 22, 2024, 3:08 A.M. CET
Family Group Chat: Jim Shepard, Lucy Shepard, Emmett Shepard, Aidan Shepard

JS: Do you think it’s possible she’ll change her mind?

KS: With her, always a possibility. If she does, I’ll have to insert the IV in myself.

*

*
1947
Excerpt from The Book of the Desert
Story by Tang Yungmei, age seven, written at boarding school in England

On they went, led by Hassan, who every now and then looked over his shoulder at the Pole star and then at a bright star low down in the south, to make sure that he was going straight. Behind him came the long string of camels that formed the caravan, their drivers walking to keep warm, and singing little songs to their beasts as they went. Every one of them loved his camel and could tell its wide footprints among a thousand.

*

May 9, 2024 4:14 P.M.
From: Karen Shepard
Subject: Re: Yungmei Tang wire transfer confirmation
To: Pegasos Association

Hi Theodore,

I am actually finding that the world is an easier place without her in many ways than it was with her. We had a very good extended goodbye (starting in January when she fell and was living in rehab). That coincided with her decision to apply to Pegasos, and that made her easier in her own skin, easier with the world and the others in it, including me. So, I guess I don’t really miss her in the way most people usually mean. It is certainly strange not to have parents in the world after how large they loomed in who I was and who I was reacting against and with, etc. And I miss the hope that I had when she was alive that we would figure out a way to be kinder to and more understanding of each other. I am just so grateful that the goodbye was more connected to each other than it might’ve been, that life without her seems okay, largely because her death was what she wanted; it didn’t happen to her, it happened because of her.

Oh, yes, she was often aware of how difficult she was. I’m sure she would’ve said that I was difficult also. It was like a lighthouse: sometimes she could see herself with real clarity, and then the light would swing away, and she was unable to do so anymore. It was difficult, as her daughter, to have to learn how to not rely on that light.

I hope you’re well.

Karen

*

April 22, 2024, 10:30 A.M. CET
Voice Memo Transcript
Pegasos Clinic

KS: Why do you think people don’t like to change? They’re scared of it?
TY: They’re scared of … oh, what do you call it?
KS: Uncertainty?
TY: Yeah, uncertainty. They only want to change if they know what they’re getting into. It’s secure.
KS: What were the moments of biggest change in your life?
TY: I don’t know what changed. [Silence.] I don’t know.
[Silence.]
KS: I want to say thank you.
TY: What for?
KS: For the role that you had in who I became.
[Silence.]
TY: Maybe when you’re ready, maybe you’ll do the same thing I’m doing.
KS: I might.
TY: You don’t want to lie in bed, not able to walk, not able to talk, and … um … just a vegetable with somebody watching over you.
KS: I certainly don’t.
TY: It’s wasted time for somebody to keep an eye on you. Another human being who can’t do anything. Can’t talk, can’t walk, can’t move.
KS: Well, I would’ve done that for you if you had wanted to do that, but I don’t think you wanted to do that.
TY: To do what?
KS: To be like that.
TY: Of course not.
KS: Yeah.
TY: It’s a waste of time for you, or for any person who’s still able to do things. [Silence]. All those people in the place I was in for the last few months. It’s terrible. I’m sure they wanted to end their life, but no one was able to do it for them.
KS: Or with them. I’m glad I got to keep you company on this.
TY: Yeah. Terrible. And it’s a waste of money for the people who are watching them.
KS: Well, it’s more … for me it’s more a waste for the person themselves. Who wants to live like that? I don’t want to.
TY: Yeah, but some people can’t afford it.
KS: I know.
TY: Look at this money.
KS: I know.
TY: It’s crazy.
KS: Well, that’s another thing I’m grateful for; that you were able to afford it.
[Silence.] But mostly I’m grateful that we get to accompany each other on this.
[Silence.]
TY: I mean, you should probably sell one of the apartments at least and keep a big chunk of money in the bank, in case [Laughs] …
KS: [Laughs] In case I need to do this.
TY: Because it’s terrible if you don’t have the money to do it, and you’re lying there not able to move, not able to eat.
KS: It’s true.
TY: It … it’d be horrible.
KS: Maybe one of my children will just put a pillow over my head.
[Both laugh.]
TY: Yeah, you could do that.
KS: I don’t think I would ask my children to do that. Might be too hard. This is much more dignified.
TY: Also, I don’t think, maybe it won’t work.
KS: Right, and they’d get in trouble.
TY: Yeah, that’s true, right.
[Silence.]
TY: Alright, so let’s do it.
KS: You’re ready?
[Silence.]
KS: I love you.
[Silence.]
KS: Let’s put on some music.
TY: Take care of yourself.
KS: I will.
TY: So, what do I do? I just …

*

*

Found May 14, 2025
From a typed, unsent letter found in Tang Yungmei’s files

Karen,

I don’t want to keep having the same nightmares for the rest of my life, and I dont want you to carry the same pain with you forever.

I know I was the source of much of your anguish during your high school years. This is the side of me that I have to live with: I tend to do what I feel like doing, and I can’t discuss what I do with myself. And, and this is a very big “and”, I do not have, and did not have, a single soul with whom I would or could have discussed any of my personal goings-on. To this day I do not have a “friend” with whom I would discuss what I feel or do. I do not have as you do, a social network of close friends with whom I can diffuse what goes on in my head, let alone my heart.

Do you believe Eliz was right when she said that I’d only be interested in you through childhood?

I knew that you would grow up and out and away from me. By now, you must have seen how unequiped I am for separation.

As you say, one’s past, one’s childhood, one’s growing up is always there to be revived, is always there to be made apparent in one’s current life. There is no “de-experiencing” as it were, there is only “cover-up”. How well we do it, and how well we camouflage what we don’t want to live with in ourselves, is our way of going on with life.

What did I do with you that you didn’t like?
What did I do that you didn’t understand, and would like to know?
What would you have liked me to do that I didn’t do?
What did I do that you did like?
What times do you remember with joy/happiness/closeness/intimacy?
Would you like me to help you in your anguish?
Would you like to help me in my mine?

 

Karen Shepard is the author of four novels, An Empire of Women, The Bad Boy’s Wife, Don’t I Know You?, and The Celestials, and one collection of stories, Kiss Me Someone. She teaches at Williams College.